It’s no secret that Loveland has long owned up to its title as the “Land of Love.” With the number of hearts and love-themed sculptures that adorn the entire town, it makes perfect sense (and that’s beyond the word “love” in our city’s name). The area could soon see another love-themed attraction come to the city.
Developers are in the final stages of producing an exciting new amusement park that will be competitive with the likes of Elitch Gardens and Water World in one location. The new park, appropriately named “Love Land,” will be located on the northwest side of town adjacent to the foothills just south of Prairie Ridge Natural Area. Rod Ricketts of Cardiac Arrest Amusements, LLC, the developer behind the project, stated, “’Love Land’ is set to be the only park of its kind with a set theme completely based around all-things-love, which we feel is perfect for a town like Loveland. Not only does it share the perfect name, but with the city’s rich history in technological innovation, it is the perfect setting to implement some of our newly introduced, one-of-a-kind attraction technologies!”
Rides with Heart
Cardiac Arrest mentioned they would be unable to share all of the new tech they will be introducing to Love Land but did share a sneak peek of some of their attractions when interviewed at their state-of-the-art technology campus in Denver’s Cherry Creek neighborhood during their open house around Valentine’s Day among a crowd of VIPs. Of those shared, they gave the following look at Love Land’s Spectacular Attractions:
- Cupid’s Coaster: Get ready to embark on the ride of a lifetime aboard Cupid’s Coaster, where love and excitement collide in a whirlwind of twists, turns, and heart-stopping drops. Hold onto your loved ones tight as you soar through the clouds on this unforgettable roller coaster adventure. The apex? A heart-shaped zero-gravity loop!
- Love Boat Cruise: Take a leisurely cruise down the “River of Affection” aboard our Love Boats, where romance awaits around every bend. Enjoy breathtaking views, charming scenery, and even a sheer drop of 25 feet into a reflecting pool, below. The water you float on? It’s actually chocolate—and YES—it’s safe for consumption.
- Kiss Me Carousel: Step right up and take a spin on our Kiss Me Carousel, where each horse is adorned with mistletoe to inspire spontaneous moments of romance and affection. While most carousel ponies move up and down as the carousel turns, these will move side-to-side, with the horses appearing to kiss one another.
- A Shot at Love: Test your aim and see if you’ve got what it takes to hit the bullseye of love at the “Shot at Love” archery experience. Whether you’re a seasoned pro or a first-time “cupid,” this attraction promises fun and excitement for all ages as you take aim and let love fly. Think of it as laser tag, but with arrows: your partner is the “target” and whoever shoots the other first, wins.
Delicious Delights
After working up an appetite from all the excitement, visitors can indulge in a mouthwatering array of culinary delights designed to satisfy even the most discerning palate. There is a “Love Potion in Motion” slushie, a drink that can be taken on the rides which is about as addictive as the tequila, which they contain. Those with a heartier palate, can take on the “Cardiac Arrest Burger”, which is heart-healthy due to the twenty-six pieces of bacon it contains being trans-fat free.
The third dish shared at the sneak-peak event is the “Taco-bout Tantalizing Tamale Tower”, a 36” stack of taco meat filled tamales stacked atop each other in a Jenga-like fashion. The tower is free if eaten in a way that the tower doesn’t fall over when tamales are taken out one-by-one and all are eaten in 22 minutes.
A Love-hate Relationship with "Love Land"
Many are quite excited about the prospect of Love Land opening in Loveland. “I’ve been attracted to the attractions this town has but there could always be a more attractive way to attract attractions developers to Loveland, and this is the most attractive attraction that could ever attract an attractive crowd here”, stated Loveland resident Manny Repeticiones. “It’s about time we had something love-themed in this town. I’ve said for years that Loveland needs something to put “ownership” to and love is it. I’ve lived in this area nearly 70 years and haven’t seen a single heart”, exclaims Fort Collins resident, Claire Missmuch.
Some have stated that the love theme will be too gushy. Rod Ricketts stressed that the park will encompass all things love, including the less “gushy” parts. “Tough love. Heartbreak. Loss. These are all parts of love, and we don’t want to leave out those parts, either. We’ve addressed the issue with some of our more ‘advanced’ attractions”, Carter expressed.
Some of those attractions are:
- The Heartbreaker: A 75-foot-tall tower where riders are slowly raised to the top then dropped at speeds above 200 mph. It’s designed for “breakups” at the top, where the fall is supposed to dull the pain of the emotional impact by distracting the parties from what has just happened. In case the message didn’t sink in, riders are then taken back up and dropped two more times to break the news.
- A Divorce Of Course, Of Course!: This ride takes participants on a ride reminiscent of Disney’s “It’s A Small World” but through the sometimes-bumpy progression of a divorce. Riders experience the leisurely-slow ride which follows the entire process from separation to decree. (Of course, riders can opt to take the “pre-nup” route, which speeds the ride up by 1/3 and skips much of the litigation section.)
- Solitary Refinement: Cardiac Arrest Amusements realizes that some “other halves” might not be excited to attend the park. For those parties, the Solitary Refinement Experience is the perfect fit. The reluctant party is situated alone in a room with all the free beer and football they can consume with a large recliner for lounging in. Every 45 seconds, an etiquette expert will trigger the tv to shut off and the beer tap to seize up until any profanities stop and “manners” improve.
Not all are excited about the prospects of a theme park coming to Loveland. Many are concerned the proximity to Prairie Ridge Natural Area could interrupt migration of local fowl which frequent the area.
Despite Cardiac Arrest Amusements’ Ricketts reassuring local wildlife enthusiasts that there will be no disruption to wildlife, some are less-than thrilled by the developers’ plans to introduce turtle doves and bald eagles to the area to offset the park’s carbon footprint. Local park ranger Forrest Grasslands states, “eagles are native to the area; however, it is important to note that eagles are a natural predator to doves and we feel the eagles will grow tired of feeding on the remnants of tamale towers and love potion margaritas and drunkenly turn to feeding on the doves.”
“I’m concerned with the safety of a park that puts a heart-shaped crease in the top loop of a roller coaster. I know big developers always hire engineers to test these rides, but wouldn’t the coaster come to an abrupt 90-degree turn at 70 mph at the top? It makes my heart uneasy how the heart could break someone’s heart if someone is hurt.” said Noah Nervosa, as he reviewed the plans for the coaster.
What is your take on the prospects of “Love Land”? Those who are for the project say it will fix the heartbreak of not having enough amusements in the local area. Many who oppose the project say it is a poorly planned out idea that is completely unrealistic.
If you ask us our take, we agree with the latter. This is, of course, a poorly planned out and unrealistic idea. Fortunately for all who have opted to read this far, this is just Visit Loveland’s elaborate annual April Fool’s blog. While we’d love nothing more than to bring this fantastical theme park to life, it exists solely in our wildest imaginations (at least for now)!
But fear not, because the spirit of “Love Land” lives on in our hearts, and who knows, perhaps one day we will see it become a reality. In the meantime, let’s continue to dream big, spread love, and embrace the magic of imagination. These are all fine traits that are already a reality in the Sweetheart City.
Happy April Fools Day. We hope you had as much fun reading this as we did writing it.
